HOW THE WEST WAS LOST
by miknnik
Summary: Set in the first year of the series 1993 . Niles hosts a Halloween party where things go terribly awry...
1. Chapter 1

**GO AHEAD, RUIN MY DAY**

_Frasier's condo. Marty is in his recliner with a can of beer in one hand, TV remote in the other, Eddie in his lap. Eddie wears a mini Stetson. The door opens, and Frasier and Niles walk into the living room._

MARTY: (Lifting the beer can) Oh, hi, boys!

FRASIER: Hello, Dad. Anything good on TV?

_Frasier walks to the counter where he keeps his sherry decanter. _

MARTY: You bet. This is TV classic—Rawhide! You remember the show, don't you, Fras?

FRASIER: Can't say that I do. Sherry, Niles?

_Frasier starts to pour sherry into two glasses without waiting for Niles' answer._

NILES: Yes, please. (He takes a peek at the TV screen then speaks with a fake southern accent) Though we love opera, horse opera ain't exactly our cup of tea, Paw.

_Frasier gives a glass of sherry to Niles, sits down on the armrest of the couch. He puts down his glass on the side table to flip through the day's mail._

MARTY: You know, I was thinking—maybe I'll dress up as Mr. Favor, an intrepid trail boss, and Eddie (picks up Eddie to show off his hat) can be my trusted sidekick, Rowdy, for Halloween next month.

NILES: (on the couch sipping sherry) The show had a dog in a starring role? In a western?

MARTY: NO! Rowdy's not a dog.

NILES: But that's a dog's name. Mrs. Giuliani in 1512 has a little peekapoo named Rowdy.

FRASIER: No, Niles. That dog's name is Felice [fe-LEE-che]. I just call it Rowdy because it sounds more appropriate for that little critter. The dog brings more headaches, not to mention earaches, than happiness, if you ask me.

MARTY: (miffed) Rowdy's not a dog's name. You know Rowdy Gaines, don't you?

_Frasier and Niles blankly stare._

MARTY: (aside) Who am I talking to… Just so you know, Clint Eastwood played Rowdy. (slowly as if to speak to a small child) You do know who Clint Eastwood is, don't you?

FRASIER: (condescendingly) Of course I do. As a psychiatrist on and off the radio wave, I try to keep up with the current events, to keep my finger on the pulse of the city, so to speak. Besides, you used to watch Eastwood movies all the time when he played that, that… filthy fellow.

NILES: WHAT?

MARTY: (bristled) NO! Not filthy. It's DIRTY Harry, Dr. pulse of the city.

_Niles chortles. Frasier shrugs off his father's remark_

MARTY: I know you love your operas and symphonies. So did your mother. But she also loved watching sports and westerns with me. Rawhide was one of our favorites.

NILES: Mom? Seriously?

MARTY: Sure, why not? She said it was fascinating to see the not-so-distant past reenacted in the show. But I have a hunch there was another reason she liked it.

FRASIER: What makes you think that?

MARTY: She didn't ogle the steers the way she did some cowboys.

_All three laugh._

FRASIER: Know what, Dad? I just remembered something. One night when I was ten or eleven, I had trouble falling asleep because I couldn't find the meaning of some Italian word that I saw in the _La Traviata_ libretto. I couldn't get it out of my mind. So I got up thinking maybe Mom could tell me the meaning of the word. When I walked into our old living room, you and Mom were watching Rawhide. Yes, I can now clearly recall the scene on TV.

MARTY: (overjoyed) So, you really liked what you saw, huh?

FRASIER: Yes, and no. Technically, I liked what I heard. It was surreal to hear the clarinet solo passage from The Pines of Rome by Ottorino Respighi in a desert scene in a western show.

_Marty's face falls._

NILES: Hmm… I don't remember ever seeing that. Was I there too?

FRASIER: No, you were too young, already fast asleep with a biography book on Tchaikovsky in your arms. Back then you were at the Tchaikovsky phase after Mom took you to your first Nutcracker ballet. You drove me batty playing the Nutcracker Suite and Swan Lake and the 1812 overture on your kiddy record player over and over and over, but you were yet to discover Tchaikovsky's one and only violin concerto.

NILES: (sighing) Was I ever so young…?

_Marty rolls his eyes._


	2. Chapter 2

**GO AHEAD, MAKE A FOOL OF YOURSELF**

_Eddie jumps off Marty's lap and runs to the door. The door opens, and Daphne walks in with a laundry basket._

DAPHNE: (to Marty) I'm back, Mr. Crane. (to Frasier) Hello, Dr. Crane. (to Niles) Dr. Crane. (to Eddie, who is literally jumping with joy) No, it's not time for your walk yet, Eddie.

_As Daphne bends forward to place the basket on the coffee table to pet Eddie, Niles not too discreetly takes a whiff of her hair._

NILES: (alarmed) You switched to a different brand of shampoo!

DAPHNE: Dr. Crane, you're amazing!

NILES: (delighted) Thank you, Daphne. A highly developed olfactory organ IS an asset for a connoisseur of fine wines like myself, or Frasier.

DAPHNE: Oh yes. Your father keeps telling me how important it is for you two to become the Cork Dork of your wine club someday.

_Frasier and Niles gasp in unison. Marty can't keep a straight face, snickers. _

FRASIER: (glaring at Marty) You know damn well the correct title is Cork Master, Dad!

MARTY: (unfazed) Sorry, son. My bad.

DAPHNE: Shame on you, Mr. Crane! (to Niles) Never mind your father, Dr. Crane. I think it's so sweet that you and your brother always notice me new dress, or jewelry, or perfume and flatter me. Me brothers and father, they never paid any attention to what I wore, and they always criticized the men I dated. Except one time when me date, a Manchester United player, showed up at our doorstep. Me brothers got all excited and couldn't leave him alone.

MARTY: Wow! You dated someone famous? What was it like?

DAPHNE: I never found out. You see, when me brothers finally left for their pub, they took me date with them.

NILES: (outraged) The man left without you? It's unconscionable, unforgivable and absolutely ungentlemanly!

DAPHNE: (patting Niles' hand) You always have the nicest thing to say, Dr. Crane.

NILES: I hope you learned your lesson, though. Never trust a well-known womanizer.

DAPHNE: What…?

MARTY: (bursting into laughter) Niles, when she said 'player,' Daph meant 'a soccer player'! Some Anglophile you are!!

NILES: (trying to recover) Ah, a soccer hooligan!

_Daphne picks up the basket, walks towards her room and sees what's on TV._

DAPHNE: Oh, I haven't seen this program for ages.

MARTY: (to Frasier and Niles) Now, there's someone I can relate to.

DAPHNE: I used to watch Rawhide reruns back in Manchester. The show was a big hit in England. When we were growing up, me brothers often fought over who was going to be Mr. Favor when they played cowboys and Indians—except Nigel. He always wanted to play a horsie…

_The men are momentarily at a loss for words._

MARTY: So, Daph. Wanna watch the show with me? I'll rewind the tape, and we can watch it right from the beginning if you want.

DAPHNE: Sure. Thanks, Mr. Crane.

FRASIER: Daphne. Don't feel obliged to join my father. You can always say 'no' if you're not up to it.

DAPHNE: Oh, but I do want to watch the show, Dr. Crane. That is, if there aren't other chores I should be doing right now.

FRASIER: Well, actually…

MARTY: (overrides Frasier) Alright, that settles it. Grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn, Daph. (smugly to Frasier and Niles) I guess you're right about the Brits having better taste in arts and stuff than most Americans.

NILES: But what did the English see in the TV series on cattle drives? You have your kings and queens and…and the peerage! History of power struggles, schemes and assassinations! It's the stuff great plays and operas are made of.

DAPHNE: I can't speak for the rest of the British people, but I like the show because it's nothing like Henry VIII, or Pride and Prejudice, or Wuthering Heights. It's so American, and… (a beat) And romantic.

NILES: Romantic?

DAPHNE: Oh, yes. Most definitely. Open range, men working outside the societal restrictions, campfires, sleeping under the stars…

FRASIER: Not to mention the dust, the smell, no indoor-plumbing…

MARTY: Oh, come on, Fras. It's like going on an extended camping trip—with a herd of cattle.

FRASIER: That's precisely my point.

NILES: (oblivious to the exchanges between Marty and Frasier) Daphne, you gave me an excellent idea for my Halloween costume party!

DAPHNE: I did?

NILES: Yes! Each year, I pick a theme and ask all the guests to dress accordingly. A few years back, I chose 'Vienna: 1791' to commemorate the two-hundredth anniversary of Mozart's death. I cannot tell you how embarrassing it was that no one at the party had proper attire of the late 1700s.

MARTY: (sarcastically) Imagine that!

NILES: (ignoring Marty) Last year, it was 'Hail to the Chief.' I hoped everyone would come in as a different president so we could talk about each presidency. Unfortunately, one half of the guests showed up as Abe Lincoln, the other half were George Washingtons.

FRASIER: So, what's the theme for this year?

NILES: As I said, Daphne's comment gave me a great idea. In order to honor our pioneer heritage, I'm thinking about a 'wild west' theme. We can dress up as a famous historical or fictional character in the 1800s.

DAPHNE: (beaming) Ooh, that sounds like fun, Dr. Crane!

_Marty and Frasier are not so sure about Niles' choice. They exchange a telepathic glance._

FRASIER: Do you really think it's a good idea, Niles?

NILES: Of course I do. Why do you ask? You know that I am well versed in the U.S. history, among other subjects.

MARTY: True, but what do you know about the 'wild' part of Wild West?

NILES: That's where research comes in. Fire up the VCR, Dad!

_Marty, Frasier and Daphne stare as Niles gets all fired up and parks himself on the couch._


	3. Chapter 3

**HOW THE WEST WAS LOST**

_Ballroom of Niles and Maris Crane's mansion. There are bales of hay, carts and other decoration and furniture suitable for a barn dance scene. Caterers are dressed in cowboy costumes. Niles, dressed as Lone Ranger, is flitting about to give orders to the caterers and servants while several guests mingle. Frasier and Daphne enter. Frasier wears a long coattail and a full beard. Daphne is dressed as Annie Oakley and carrying a toy rifle. They call out to say 'hello' as they spot Niles._

NILES: (upset) Frasier, what are you doing dressed like that? You know the theme tonight is Wild, Wild West. You can't be Sigmund Freud!

FRASIER: (crossed) I'm not Freud! I'm Ulysses Grant as anyone can see.

NILES: (not so convinced) Oh, I see… Daphne, you look lavishing in that fantastic costume! You can be a star in a Broadway production of _Annie Get Your Gun_!

DAPHNE: Why, thank you, Dr. Crane. Or, should I call you Kemo Sabe? (looking around) Where's Mrs. Crane?

NILES: She's spending the night at Four Seasons. You know my Maris, poor delicate flower. She develops a migraine when she hears a child screech, so she avoids spending a Halloween night at home. She needn't worry though.

FRASIER: Oh?

NILES: A few years ago, a group of children showed up at our door on Halloween night. Maris was upstairs doing a facial treatment. When she heard the doorbell, she looked out the window. Unfortunately, that's when some of the kids looked up and saw her in a bathrobe with a facial mask and hair in a towel. I had no idea little children could run so fast with those short, chubby legs… Since then, not a single trick-or-treater has set foot on our property. (a beat) Frasier, where's Dad?

FRASIER: Oh, he's picking up Roz. They should be here shortly.

_True to Frasier's word, the door opens and Marty in a cowboy costume walks into the ballroom._

MARTY: Hi, Niles. Nice getup.

NILES: Thanks. Dad, I thought you were with Roz. Where is she?

MARTY: (grinning) Oh, she's here alright.

_Marty sticks his head out of the door and yells._

MARTY: Roz! Hurry up, will ya?

ROZ: (off-screen) COMING!

_Roz enters the scene in a cow costume. Marty grins even wider while the others' jaws drop._

ROZ: (glaring menacingly and jabbing her finger at Frasier and Niles) Not even one word!!

NILES: (in distress) But, but, what are you doing in that costume?

ROZ: Don't blame me. It's your father's idea.

NILES: It is?

MARTY: Yeah. You wouldn't let me bring Eddie with me, so I decided to pick a different sidekick. You can't go on a cattle drive without cattle, you know.

NILES: You're doing this to get even with me and Maris for not letting Eddie come over, aren't you, Dad?

FRASIER: But why on earth did you agree to do this, Roz?

ROZ: (glowering) I owe your dad a few hundred bucks from the last poker game. God, I need a drink! Where's the bar?

_Niles simply points to the direction of the bar._

DAPHNE: (consolingly) Roz, why don't we go get something to drink together and gossip a little just between two girls?

_As the two women walk out of the camera range, Roz eyes Frasier's costume critically._

ROZ: (disapprovingly) What's with your Freud costume?

FRASIER: (shaking a fist at Roz, who is now off-screen) For God's sake, I'm not Freud! I'm President Grant!!

MARTY: (listening to the background music, head cocked, frowning) Hey, what kind of music is this?

NILES: Glad you asked, Dad. It's Dvorak's string quartet, but it's not just any string quartet.

FRASIER: Ah, yes! It's his 'American' string quartet! How subtle and yet clever. Nicely done, Niles.

NILES: Thanks, Frasier. I also picked out more American-themed music for the occasion—William Tell Overture by Rossini for the Masked One, of course (he strikes a pose with his hands on the hips, like Superman—very puny Superman), From the New World by Dvorak, Le Banjo by Gottschalk, American Rhapsody by Dohnanyi, Light Cavalry by von Suppe, Copland's Rodeo and El Salon Mexico for a salsa kick (snaps fingers and kicks up his heel like a flamenco dancer)!

MARTY: Sheesh! This is worse than I thought. You should be glad that I came prepared. (holding up a paper bag) Here.

NILES: What's this?

MARTY: Just look inside.

_Niles takes out a stack of vinyl records and pushes up his Lone Ranger mask to have a better look._

NILES: Tex Ritter, Gene Autry, Hank Williams, Don Williams, Kenny Rogers… Who ARE these people?

MARTY: They happen to be very famous American country singers, whose names I can actually spell and pronounce.

NILES: Well, they may be right for you, but I can't play this kind of music.

MARTY: (offended) Why not?

NILES: May I give you some pointers to become a good party host, Dad?

MARTY: You're gonna tell me even if I said 'no,' aren't you?

NILES: (unperturbed) I take that as a 'yes.' Anyway, you must select the music you know very, very well for your party.

MARTY: Okay, I'll bite. How come?

FRASIER: (cutting in) So that you can talk about it as a backup plan to avoid any awkward moment of silence, of course.

MARTY: So, it's not to impress your rich, uppity guests?

FRASIER: (matter-of-factly) Oh, that's a given.

_Marty sees someone familiar walk in._

MARTY: Hey, Bobby! Over here!

_Bobby Schaffer is in his mid to late forties, ruggedly handsome and dressed as Davy Crockett. _

BOBBY: Marty! It's good to see you again!

MARTY: Bobby, these are my sons, Frasier (Bobby shakes hands with Frasier as they greet) and Niles (Bobby repeats the gesture with Niles). Boys, this is Bobby Schaffer. We used to work in the same department before I got transferred to Homicide.

BOBBY: (to Niles) Great shindig. And this place is palatial! Marty never told me you're so…

MARTY: Loaded? He married well.

_Marty cackles. Niles and Bobby seem a little awkward._

BOBBY: (in attempt to change the subject) Frasier, I often listen to your show. You do great work.

FRASIER: (flattered) Oh, you don't have to say that just because I'm your former colleague's son.

BOBBY: No, no. I really mean it. In college, I majored in sociology and minored in psychology. I totally agree with your psychoanalysis of the boyfriend of that lady who called from Bellevue the other day.

FRASIER: (genuinely delighted) Why, thank you! It really was a very fascinating case, I must say. You know that passive-aggressive behavior is not uncommon among criminals as well as prison guards as was the case…

MARTY: (cutting in) Bobby, don't get Frasier started on his psychobabble. Once he gets going, it's hard to shut him up. C'mon, let's grab a beer or two.

_Marty puts his hand on Bobby's arm to lead him towards the bar._

BOBBY: Still drink Ballantine?

MARTY: You bet.

BOBBY: (taking a backward glance at Frasier and Niles) Nice meeting you two. (to Frasier) By the way, your Freud impersonation is spot on, Frasier.

_A smile on Frasier's face instantly evaporates and so does any affection he may have had for Bobby._

FRASIER: (to Niles) A few psychology classes in college make him an expert on Freud? I think not!

NILES: Give him a break, Frasier. Anyone who knows you also knows you're a Freudian. It's like a subliminal suggestion.

FRASIER: (still not quite appeased) But why do they think I would show up at a western-themed party as Freud?

NILES: Well, you once crashed Mom's soiree with her colleagues to raise funds for the abuse victims dressed as an axe murderer, who somehow resembled Freud…

FRASIER: (exasperated) I told you a hundred times, I was rehearsing for my original psycho thriller play!

GIL: (unseen) Frasier!

_Gil Chesterton appears dressed as a Native American._

FRASIER: Evening, Gil, or whoever you may be.

GIL: Can't you tell?

_Clueless, Frasier and Niles look at each other._

GIL: I'll give you a hint: Where's your hometown?

FRASIER & NILES: (almost simultaneously) Chief Seattle!

GIL: (nodding) This is something I put together at the last minute.

_Niles eyes Gil's scant clothing._

NILES: (whispering to Frasier) Obviously.

GIL: I was going to be Captain Meriwether Lewis, but I had to scrap the idea because Deb couldn't make it tonight.

NILES: Naturally! Where would Captain Lewis be without William Clark?

GIL: (bristled) Deb was going to be Sacagawea!

NILES: Ah! (lying through his teeth) That would have been my second guess. (to Frasier) Frasier, I mean, President Grant. Could you kindly escort Chief Seattle to the buffet table and the bar?

_The following dialogues between Gil and Frasier take place as they walk away from Niles._

GIL: President Grant? Was he a real president?

FRASIER: Of course, he was. He was the 18th president right after Andrew Johnson. Surely even the British children must learn a bit of the U.S. history.

GIL: (sarcastically) And the American children can name all the kings and queens of England.

FRASIER: Well, _I_ can!

_Being a foodie, Gil is drawn to the buffet table. Frasier heads for the bar. As Frasier receives a glass of white wine at the bar and walks away, he hears something._

BOBBY: (off-screen) Psst!

_Frasier looks around to see where the noise is coming from._

BOBBY: (still unseen) Psst! (whispering) Hey, Frasier!

_Frasier looks around and sees Bobby's head poke out from behind the bales of hay stacked up high._

FRASIER: Bobby, what are you doing there?

BOBBY: Shhh! Not so loud.

_Frasier walks around the bales of hay to be closer to Bobby._

FRASIER: (whispering) What's going on?

BOBBY: I've been trying to stay away from this crazy lady who keeps hitting on me, and she doesn't take 'no' for an answer.

FRASIER: Hmm… Let me guess. She's wearing a cow costume?

BOBBY: Do you know her?

FRASIER: Roz Doyle is my producer at KACL.

BOBBY: (feeling awkward) Oh… Maybe she's drunk or something…

FRASIER: Possible, but she acts that way drunk or sober. Come on, you don't have to hide, Bobby.

BOBBY: But what if she sees me?

FRASIER: She's probably moved on to the next target by now.

_Camera cuts to Niles, who is standing by the ballroom entrance welcoming guests. _

ROZ: (off-screen) Niles!

_Niles turns around to see who is calling his name. Roz comes into the scene._

NILES: Yes, Roz?

ROZ: Hey, I'm looking for someone, a really good-looking guy in a Davy Crockett costume. Have you seen him?

NILES: Sounds like Bobby Schaffer. He and my father used to work together at the Seattle P.D.

ROZ: (smiling lasciviously) He may be carrying handcuffs then.

_Roz spots Bobby across the room as he comes out of his hiding place._

ROZ: (waving wildly) Bobby!

_To his horror, Bobby sees Roz still in hot pursuit of him. As he flees, __he looks at Frasier balefully._

BOBBY: (sarcastically) Thanks a lot, Frasier!

ROZ: Bobby! Wait!!

_Roz pushes Niles aside and starts lumbering towards Bobby in her silly costume._

NILES: (stumbling) Stampede!


	4. Chapter 4

**HO DOWN**

_Niles is still at the ballroom entrance. _

BULLDOG: (off-screen) Hey, Doc!

_Bulldog enters with his date. He wears a T-shirt with a tux design, jeans, sneakers and a bowler hat. His date is dressed like a barmaid, but her dress is rather short, and she wears stilettos._

NILES: Bulldog. (insincerely) How nice of you to come. And who is this charming lady?

BULLDOG: This is Gigi.

KIKI: Hey, my name is Kiki!

BULLDOG: Yeah, yeah. Whatever.

NILES: _Enchanté, mademoiselle_. I'm your host, Dr. Niles Crane.

KIKI: (unenthusiastically) Meecha.

NILES: (examining Bulldog's attire) Bulldog, I'm not quite sure exactly whom you're trying to portray…

BULLDOG: I'm a cardsharp. See?

_Bulldog raises his right hand, and a deck of cards starts flying off, hitting Niles squarely on the face._

NILES: Ow, ow! Stop!!

_Bulldog laughs joyfully. Niles glares at Bulldog, summons one of the servants to sweep up the cards on the floor. As Kiki looks around, she catches a glimpse of Bobby ducking behind the buffet table._

KIKI: Oh my gawd! What's a vice cop doin' here?

_Niles and Bulldog turn their heads to the direction of Kiki's gaze._

NILES: (recognizing Bobby) How do you know he's… (jaw drops, eyes widen) OH! MY! GOD!! How could you, Bulldog? You brought a… A…

KIKI: Bulldog, let's get outa here. I don't want that guy to see me here. I think he knows my P.O.

NILES: Your… (even more agitated) PAROLE OFFICER? (to Bulldog) YOU BROUGHT A RECIDIVIST ON PAROLE TO MY PARTY?

BULLDOG: Hey, take that back! I don't care if you're a shrink with fancy degrees. You better not call my date names!

NILES: (calmly on the surface, raging internally) (slowly) Is she, or is she not a repeat offender of a certain penal code?

BULLDOG: (slowly as he ponders Niles' question) Well…, yeah.

_Frustrated and angry, Niles starts fidgeting like a jumping bean and is about to explode when Frasier enters the scene hurriedly._

FRASIER: Niles!

NILES: (angrily) WHAT?

FRASIER: Oh, dear. You're upset. I really hate to break bad news at a time like this, but this can't wait—we're having a crisis.

NILES: Who's 'we'? And what crisis?

FRASIER: Chef Jean-Paul is threatening to walk out.

NILES: (more alarmed and panicky than angry) WHAT? Why?

FRASIER: He overheard a snide remark Gil made on his famous _vol-au-vent_. Last I saw him, he was heading for the front door.

NILES: NOOOOOOO!!!

_Niles runs out of the ballroom screaming. Frasier belatedly acknowledges Bulldog._

FRASIER: (absent-mindedly) Hello, Bulldog.

BULLDOG: Hey, Doc. (gesturing toward Kiki) This is Fifi.

KIKI: Kiki!

BULLDOG: Yeah, yeah. Like I said, this is Kiki.

_Preoccupied, both Frasier and Kiki exchange perfunctory greetings._

BULLDOG: (looking at Frasier's costume) Hey, I know who you are. Don't tell me, don't tell me! You're that, that…

_Kiki and Frasier almost simultaneously speak up._

KIKI: Grant guy?

FRASIER: (automatically) I'm not… (catches himself) I'm not just 'that Grant guy,' Missy. I am President Grant. (to Bulldog) Now, who are you supposed to be, Bulldog?

BULLDOG: I'm a cardsharp. Look!

_Bulldog raises his left hand to get a deck of cards to fly off._

FRASIER: (shielding his face with raised arms) Oh, for Pete's sake! Stop this childish nonsense!

_Bulldog is amused, but Kiki is not. She places her hand on his arm to get his attention._

KIKI: Bulldog, I told you—I don't wanna stay here. Take me home, will ya?

BULLDOG: But we just got here. Why don't we get a couple of drinks at least before we split?

KIKI: NO! I want you to leave with me right now!

FRASIER: What's your hurry, Miss?

KIKI: (curtly) Conflict of interest.

_A group of newly arrived guests enter the ballroom. Three couples are in their fifties and sixties and obviously well-to-do. One of the men, distinguished-looking with silver mane, is dressed as and bears striking resemblance to George Armstrong Custer. Frasier recognizes him and walks up to the group._

FRASIER: Jack! So good to see you.

JACK: (shaking hands with Frasier) You, too, Frasier. It's been too long.

FRASIER: Hello, Eleanor.

_Frasier kisses the back of the hand of Eleanor, Jack's wife, who is dressed as Libbie Custer._

ELEANOR: It's always a pleasure to see you, Frasier.

KIKI: (staring at Jack) John-John?

_Jack gets an unpleasant surprise as he recognizes Kiki._

JACK: (despite himself) Kiki?

_Jack immediately places his hand over his mouth regretting that he has inadvertently admitted he knows her._

FRASIER: (oblivious to Jack's reaction) You two know each other? (to Kiki) You must know him well—not very many people know John Phillip Herbert Sullivan the steel tycoon has such an endearing nickname.

BULLDOG: (seeing how Jack and Kiki react to each other) (laughing) Oh, man! This is too funny!!

_Two other men in the group also seem to know Kiki and leave the scene abruptly dragging their perplexed wives._

ELEANOR: (smiling sweetly to Jack and Kiki) So, how did you two meet?

_Jack and Kiki look at each other for a fraction of a second._

JACK & KIKI: (a beat) Business!

ELEANOR: (clasping her hands together) I knew it! (to Kiki) You must be one smart businesswoman, dear, succeeding in business at such a young age…

_Jack tries to herd his wife away from Kiki before the truth comes out._

JACK: Come, Eleanor. We must catch up with the boys.

ELEANOR: But…

_Jack takes Eleanor's arm and starts walking away from Frasier and, most of all, Kiki._

FRASIER: (perplexed by Jack's sudden departure) (waving) Don't be a stranger.

_Kiki looks around to make sure Bobby is not nearby._

KIKI: (to Bulldog) If you wanna stay, stay! See if I care. I'm leavin'.

_As Kiki reaches for the door knob, the door bursts open knocking her down. Niles enters._

NILES: Thank God, Frasier, I…

_Niles sees Kiki flat on the floor. The guests and the servers nearby are too stunned to move or speak. Finally, Frasier kneels down to help Kiki._

FRASIER: Good Lord! Are you all right?

KIKI: (sitting up) Help me up, will ya?

_Frasier obliges. Kiki takes a wobbly step, and her knees buckle._

KIKI: I feel woozy…

NILES: Oh, I'm terribly sorry…

_Kiki's knees totally give out, and she is about to collapse though Frasier is supporting her on her right side. A man standing nearby dressed in a sheriff's costume catches her and flings her arm around his shoulder for more support._

FRASIER: (relieved) Thank you.

_The man nods to acknowledge Frasier and, for the first time, takes a close look at Kiki. As he recognizes who she is, he recoils. He takes a step back letting go of her. A sudden shift of weight catches Frasier and Kiki off-guard. Kiki collapses on the floor and bumps her head._

NILES: Oh my God!

_The man freezes for a moment or two then runs out of the ballroom without saying a word. Frasier kneels down again to check on Kiki._

NILES: (frantically to Frasier) Is she all right?

FRASIER: She's unconscious. Probably concussion.

NILES: We should take her to the parlor. We can put her on the divan there.

_Niles realizes the guests around him have turned into rubbernecks._

NILES: She'll be okay, everyone—there are two doctors in the house. (bares teeth trying to smile and reassure the guests) So, please enjoy yourselves. I'll be right back.

_Frasier and Niles lift Kiki off the floor. Camera cuts to the parlor. The Crane brothers ease Kiki onto the divan. As her head is placed on a cushion, Kiki moans._

FRASIER: I think she's coming to, Niles.

NILES: (sigh of relief) Thank goodness!

_A servant enters the scene with a towel and a washbowl filled with ice cubes. _

FRASIER: (receiving the bowl and the towel) Thank you.

KARL: (to Niles) Is there anything else you require, Dr. Crane?

NILES: No, Karl. Thank you.

_Karl bows crisply and leaves the parlor. Frasier wraps a chunk of ice in a towel to ice down the lump on Kiki's head._

NILES: Well, now that everything is under control, I'd better get back to the party. (starting to leave) If you need me, you know where you can find me.

FRASIER: Wait a minute. You're not going to leave me here with your injured guest to party on, are you?

NILES: My guest? She showed up with Bulldog, whom I did not invite. The people I invited are on my A-List.

FRASIER: That may be true, but you should add her on your list too.

NILES: What?

FRASIER: (smugly) She's a business associate of Jack Sullivan.

NILES: (incredulously) Are you accusing Jack of pimping?

FRASIER: What? (gasps) Dear Lord! Do you mean she's a…

NILES: A hooker? Yes, that would be my guess. And she seems to be violating her parole condition by coming here, might I add.

FRASIER: (crushed) But how could that be? She's the only one who could correctly identify me as President Grant.

NILES: (dryly) I'm sure she can identify Washington, Lincoln, Hamilton, Jackson, and possibly Jefferson and Franklin as well.

_Kiki moans again as she starts to regain consciousness._

KIKI: Ooh… My head…

_Niles walks back to Kiki's side._

NILES: I'm so sorry for what happened in the ballroom, Miss. It was an accident. You're in good hands though. We are doctors.

_Kiki struggles trying to sit up. Frasier intervenes._

FRASIER: Don't get up just yet. You must rest for a while—you sustained head trauma, a mild concussion. I assure you everything will be all right, but you might experience dizziness, nausea and double vision for a short period of time following the accident. It's best that you take it easy.

KIKI: (petulantly) But I wanna leave now—before that cop sees me.

NILES: (aside) That makes two of us.

KIKI: What's that?

NILES: Nothing. I'll see to it that you are taken care of.

_Niles takes out a money clip from his pocket and peels off a few bills._

NILES: (placing the money on the corner stand by the divan) Frasier, I really must get back to the party. Could you call a cab for the young lady when she's well enough to be back on her feet?

_Frasier hesitates to answer, and Niles mouths 'please' with a desperate look on his face._

FRASIER: (relenting) Yeah, sure.

NILES: (relieved) Thank you! Thank you!

_Niles leaves the room in a hurry. Frasier picks up the towel in the bowl._

FRASIER: Here, let me put this on the back of your head. It should help the swelling go down a little faster.

_Frasier sits on a side of the divan and puts his arm around Kiki to help her sit up. As he places the towel-covered ice on the back of Kiki's head, she flinches._

KIKI: Ow! Don't be so rough.

FRASIER: Oh, I'm sorry. I must admit, I'm a bit rusty at this.

_Frasier and Kiki sense someone else's presence and turn their heads and see mortified Bobby standing several paces away. While Frasier and Bobby exchange the following lines, Kiki flops down on her back and hides her face with a cushion._

FRASIER: Bobby!

BOBBY: Oh, please excuse me. I didn't know you were…

_Misunderstanding the situation completely, Bobby is too embarrassed to speak and turns around to walk away; however, he freezes in a mid-step. He does a 180 once again to face Frasier and Kiki._

BOBBY: (almost to himself) Kiki… Kiki… Kimberly Myers?

_Kiki mumbles something unintelligible from under the cushion. Bobby looks at Frasier with mixed and conflicting emotions._

BOBBY: Oh, Frasier. What were you thinking…?

_It finally dawns on Frasier that Bobby has misread what he saw._

FRASIER: Oh, no, Bobby. This is not what you think…

_As he begins to explain what is going on, Frasier sees the money Niles left on the corner stand. He discreetly positions his body in front of the corner stand and tries to remove the money before Bobby sees it. Although Kiki has a cushion over her face, she catches Frasier's movement from the corner of her eye._

KIKI: Hey, that's my cab money!

_As Kiki and Frasier try to snatch the money before the other does, it scatters. Frasier looks down at the money and then slowly lifts his head to find Kiki and Bobby looking at him accusingly. _

FRASIER: Oh, please. There's a perfectly logical explanation for this.

_Frasier forces a smile, which makes him look even guiltier._

_Camera cuts back to the ballroom. Niles is chatting with a group of guests._

NILES: I'm terribly sorry for being such a lousy host tonight, but when something unforeseeable happens…

MAN IN ZORRO COSTUME: Will she be all right though?

NILES: Oh, yes. She's in Frasier's capable hands now.

_Roz comes through the door hastily. _

ROZ: Niles!

NILES: (annoyed) Yes?

ROZ: Frasier's arguing with that cop, Bobby, in that big room down the hallway. He isn't in trouble with the law, is he?

_As Roz speaks, some guests within the earshot turn their heads. One of them is Jack Sullivan. The word, 'cop' is not lost on him._

NILES: Oh, for Christ's sake!

_Niles starts to leave the ballroom but changes his mind. He hurries over to the buffet table where Marty is stuffing his face._

NILES: Dad! Dad!

MARTY: (with his mouth full) Whuh?

NILES: Could you talk to Bobby to straighten things out for Frasier? I hate to ask you to do this, but I've been ignoring my guests too long.

MARTY: Whuh wong?

_Niles nervously looks around and whispers something in Marty's ear. As he listens, Marty's eyes suddenly become as big as saucers, and the food in his mouth spews out as he starts coughing. When a coughing fit is over, Marty glares at Niles and leaves the room as fast as his feet and cane can carry him. Niles watches his father leave and notices the guests are leaving in droves as well, especially the men who 'know' Kiki._

NILES: (to the nearest guest who is on his way out) (panicky) Michael! Surely, you're not leaving, are you? The night is still young.

MICHAEL: (nervously) Sorry, Niles. Something came up. Thanks for having us.

_Michael leaves with his companion. Niles tries unsuccessfully to stop a few more guests from leaving. As he becomes more frantic, Niles sees Jack and Eleanor Sullivan walking towards the door._

NILES: Jack! Eleanor! Don't tell me you're leaving too.

JACK: (feeling awkward) Perhaps this is not the best time for us to stay and be a burden on you when there's so much going on…

NILES: But everything is under control!

JACK: (shaking head) Maybe some other time. Thank you nonetheless. Good night.

_Jack and Eleanor leave along with others. Niles starts blabbering._

NILES: But we have just begun! WE HAVEN"T PLAYED THE SPECIAL WILD, WILD WEST TRIVIAL PURSUIT THAT I PREPARED FOR THIS OCCASION!! EVERYONE! PUH-LEEZ!

_Total meltdown. The very tail end of William Tell Overture crescendoes triumphantly. _


	5. Chapter 5

**SATURDAY NIGHT WHINE**

_Niles sits at one of the tables alone in the ballroom. His torso is flat on the tabletop. He faces sideway staring blankly into the space. Aaron Copland's Rodeo plays softly in the background. Daphne appears._

DAPHNE: There you are, Dr. Crane. I've been looking all over for you!

_Daphne gently places her hand on Niles' back. Niles sits up slowly and sluggishly._

NILES: (wallowing in self pity) Everyone hates me.

DAPHNE: Oh, that's not true.

_Daphne sits down next to Niles._

NILES: (a slight pause) Well, let's see: Dad's angry because Maris didn't let him bring Eddie here; Roz hated her cow costume; Jack Sullivan is humiliated because we now know about his indiscretion; Chef Jean-Paul is irate because someone called his signature dish 'a disappointment;' Bulldog complained 'cause he couldn't 'score' any women…

DAPHNE: (interrupting Niles) So? They got nothing to do with you.

NILES: …and Frasier's mad at me because he got almost arrested for taking care of… of that woman for me, and she had some choice words when she found out I was the one who gave her a concussion…

DAPHNE: All right, you got a point there, but like I said, nothing else is your fault.

NILES: But none of these things would have happened if I hadn't planned this stupid party!

DAPHNE: Don't say that, Dr. Crane. I did enjoy your party—till its abrupt end. You know, this is my first Halloween party in America. I really had a wonderful time. I, for one, am glad that you invited me tonight. Thank you.

NILES: (on the verge of tears) Thank you, Daphne. That means a lot to me. (mostly to himself) More than you can imagine...

_The background music stops for a moment, then Saturday Night Waltz from Copland's Rodeo comes on. In comfortable silence, Daphne and Niles listen to the music for a few moments._

DAPHNE: Oh, this is lovely.

NILES: Yes, I like this piece too.

DAPHNE: (looking into Niles' eyes) You know, Dr. Crane? This music is made for dancing. I don't want to sound too forward, but would you care to dance with me?

NILES: Wish I could, but I don't know how…

DAPHNE: There's not much to it. Since it's a slow dance, don't worry about dance steps—all you have to do is hold me close and sway to the music.

NILES: (wan smile) I think I can manage that.

_Daphne and Niles silently stand up, walk toward the center of the ballroom and face each other. As they clasp their hands, the lights dim. The music swells._

**EPILOGUE**

_Frasier's condo. Eddie, with a mini Stetson, is home alone asleep on the couch. In the following black-and-white dream sequence, he sees a big herd of cattle stampeding. He wakes up with a start and hears something. He jumps off the couch, goes to the kitchen and sees a couple of mice scurrying around. He runs back to the living room, jumps on the couch and buries his head under a cushion._


End file.
